crash and burn.

Okay, well in 9 hours I've come a long way from the last post. I'm much more subdued than normal. I'm sad, I'm  depressive. I have to play hockey today... woop...

holy sh*t

Well, I'll start this off with what the title says. HOLY SH*T it's been a while. Wow. Incredible amounts of time, incredible amounts of new things, old things, crazy things, me things, you things, green things, blue things..... etc. you get the point. Lots has happened. I didn't realize how much one person could change. I don't just mean me.

Here's some points I've learned. It's easier for me to write this way because my head is too much of a mess for me to try and differentiate different things and write a well constructed post.

1. I can't believe I've actually told somebody to "Have a nice life." I mean, I've always wanted to be able to say it to somebody and mean it ever since I heard the expression. But, what I didn't realize was the power of those words. It's incredible what four little words can mean. They can make you super-depressed or f*cking ecstatic. And I'm not kidding when I say ecstatic.
2. I really agree with J. now, when she says you really do not want to be associated with him in any other way than just friends, she REALLY means it.
3. People are like chameleons. They can change whenever and however they feel. I don't quite understand how and I don't ever wish to change that much in that short of time. But, on the other hand I don't want to change so slowly that I never change at all. Moderation is key.
4. It's really hard to blog, skype, facebook, text and listen to music at the same time.
5. HOLY F*CK HOLY F*CK WOOP WOOP HAPPY HAPPY LAWL LAWL.

new blog!

khawkstories.blogspot.com  :) my short stories for english

i like cats, but im more of a dog person

over the past couple days ive been all over the place, everywhere but home; and im not done yet. not for another week. im in the small town of princeton in the similkameen-okanagan district. my dutch grandfather, whom i call opa lives here and today i went with my nana and grampa (my other set of grandparents) to visit him. he was very pleased to see us and he gave me a family heirloom; a gold medallion etched with his grandmothers face; on a golden chain. it is a beautiful piece of work and i will keep it and hand it down to my granddaughter or daughter.
this morning when we drove through the urban sprawl of vancouver, i, as always got that exciting rush of big city small town girl feeling. i love vancouver and all its charms, but not always the people. lets just say im a small town girl who loves the city. i especially love the green spaces and tourist-y areas such as capilano and stanley park.
this past 2 weeks i have had a cursed turf burn on my hip.. which is totally my fault, but i did not intend to do it. it did not involve alcohol of any sort! its from soccer.. gotta LOVE artificial turf fields and not having sliders. now i have a week of hockey in the dry mountain town of salmon arm.. hopefully i can keep it clean and the antibiotics get rid of the infection.
people have told me my posts are kind of short and far and few between, sorry im quite busy and dont have alot of time to write out long posts :P

charms

oh the charms of the west coast... warm spring nights, spent at the rink. a nice little skate with the ladies is sometimes appreciated even if they are your teachers. relaxing actually. it is a ways to come down from midget A provincials; but i love it nonetheless.

the little things

the little things are the things that show the most in relationships and team environments. one little thing gone wrong or one person not completely into will ruin the entire situation. it could be as simple as one word missed, one too many said; one too many looks or not enough. if the little things aren't right, the whole thing will be a no-go. maybe you just don't like the person, maybe you have beef with them; a little sacrifice on your part goes a long way for the team. by not tagging that one "annoying" person in a year end team photo, you can destroy their sense of belonging for the whole season, make it worthless. moral of the post: psychology is my specialty when it comes to myself

EW. somebody, like, dispose of it. like NAOW.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6TRVOFEsoWk

youngest fashion designer in the country.... SOMEBODY STAB IT. NOW! TO DEATH!

oh, hey there snow.

oh, well its been snowing on and off for a week or two now; and its finally sticking. it started sticking when i was out south at my cabin with my family and our friends. we were all around the campfire for most of the afternoon roasting hot dogs and sausages and drinking hot chocolate and various other beverages; i must say it was nice. it just makes me want summer to come even faster. except i have to find a job for the summer. and i absolutely refuse to work at mcdicks or a fast food place. i should probably be a barista or a waitress to start off; but i dont think thats my thing. i dont know what my thing is except manual labour probably. but i dont really want to work in construction or shovel chicken shit for a living. hmmm... what to do.

i wish..

ohhh how i wish i could be in Halifax right now at the Canada Winter Games with team BC! I wish i wish I wish! I WISH! hopefully this year i will make it to team BC. i better.

Life is such a bitch right now, I'm having a hard time making it my hoe. One friend sort of tells me something, but everything else in the world contradicts it. Gotta love the confusing parts of life. but hopefully soon all will be better. It will all be better on Sunday when I get away from it all and go to hockey and help my team win and go to provs!

the cure to heartache is yourself

people ask me, "why? he's a jerk and a man whore." there is no answer to that. my only excuse is i can't help it. can anybody help their feeling for somebody? no? thats what i thought.

so you subtly tell your friend that you kind of like them, all fine and dandy right? not quite. apparently it ruins friendships. yesterday was all sunshine and lollipops. today its like a dark thundercloud rolled in above us. i dont know if its awkward now or what, just that i dont like it very much. we cant even be just friends?

great. just great.

heres a short story i wrote for english. definetely the best thing i have ever written.

Up and down the street is an air of celebration. The sun has just set and it is New Years Eve in the busy downtown core of Puerto Vallarta. Palm trees line the wide brick walk at the side of the one-way cobblestone main street. The brick walk overlooks a short sandy beach dotted with sharp rocks and strewn with beautiful sand sculptures of Santa Claus and mermaids. The trees are adorned with festive white Christmas lights twirled around the slender trunks. Cars, trucks, taxis, and even ATVs rush down the cobble road in large numbers, full of people and playing loud music. At street level there are people all over the sidewalks, tourists and Mexicans alike. There are small souvenir shops and tequila shops, crowded bars and big booming night clubs all the way up and down the bustling Malecon strip. In the main square a huge stage with strobe lights and big refrigerator sized amplifiers is set up, a band just arriving to start the festivities. One club is blasting Lady Gaga, another Usher and from a third club further down the street LMFAO is heard screaming “Shots! Shots! Shots!” There is the faint smell of frying pub food, tequila and stale beer, mixed with the musty smell of West Coast Mexico.

Adam and Julie surveyed the pandemonium as the street was shut off to vehicle traffic when the band started to play. They had lain by the pool for the past week at the hotel and had decided that it was time to get out and see Puerto Vallarta. They took a cab to the north end of the Malecon, with the plan to work their way down to the south end. They ended up stopping for drinks less than halfway down the strip in an empty bar that had quickly filled up after the sun set.

The bar itself was a pretty neat little place, with a bar at one end and tables on the balcony looking out onto the street and the ocean; a small dance floor in between. The bar was now busy with people ordering drinks and the dance floor filled with people, socializing, drinking and carrying on. The tables on the balcony were now full and there were people waiting to get a table. “Do you want to go down to see the band?” Julie questioned Adam, who was busily cracking ice cubes from his vodka-soda between his teeth and watching people jumping up and down to the loud Spanish rock music blaring from the stage. “Huh? What was that?” Adam asked, his mind finally coming back down to earth. “I asked if you wanted to go down to the street and walk around. And stop biting your ice! It’s annoying!” Julie repeated, wondering just what Adam had been thinking about in his zoned-out state. “Sorry, I was thinking!”

She was getting frustrated with Adam’s distanced behavior today, and wanted to get out and see the rest of the city. He had been like this all day, since the moment they got up. She was worried that he was having second thoughts about their relationship, that this trip wasn’t a getaway for the two of them as they had thought it would be; that it was just tearing them apart by spending so much time together.

“Julie? Julieeeeee, earth to Jules!” Julie came back from her thoughts as Adam waved his hand in front of her face, finally pulling her out of her little misery session. “What’s wrong? Is there something bothering you? I mean, besides my ice-biting skills.” Adam joked, in an attempt to cheer Julie up.

“We’re going for a walk.” Julie demanded, getting up from her chair, to make sure Adam would go and not order another drink. “I just said that.” Adam replied, confused; as he flagged the waiter for their bill. Adam paid the waiter and they went down the stairs into the bedlam of the streets. Adam hooked Julie’s arm in his, so they would not be separated in the crowds. His other hand went into his pocket and fiddled around for a minute. Julie noticed, and gave Adam a questioning look. “What? I’m just making sure my wallet is still there.” Adam defended himself, and then quickly asked “Hey, what time is it?””I don’t know, it can’t be long--“

Julie was cut off by a loud explosion outside a tequila shop across the road. Pieces of rock and shards of glass were flying everywhere. Adam pulled Julie down the stairs onto the beach and threw his body on top of Julie to protect her from the flying debris that was whipping over the retaining wall.

“Stay down!” he warned Julie, as the debris stopped flying. “No, let’s get out of here! Now!” Julie argued. “Okay, let’s go.” Adam said and started to stand up, when gunshots rang out from the street above. Terrified, Julie clung to Adam and pulled him down again. Another explosion went off, this time it was bigger and ground-shaking. Julie and Adam instinctively pressed themselves against the wall to avoid being hit by more lethal debris. The explosions continued, and Adam dug deep into his pocket while sheltering Julie with his other arm. He withdrew his arm from around Julie’s shoulders and took her left hand in his right and slid a sparkling white-gold ring with a large diamond implanted in it onto her index finger. Julie lifted her tearstained face to look up at Adam.

“I want you to know all I want is to spend the rest of my life with you. No matter how soon it ends, or how long it lasts.” He pulled her close and held on tight.

well today was a little interesting...

found out that i can talk openly with a certain person about things that have happened

fiigured out i still do like him. alot.

figured out why i played shitty on sunday

figured out i dont like a few guys how i thought

and its all so confusing

taylor swift makes my life happier

Life is bittersweet. Deal with the bitter the best you can, and live for the sweet.

all you need is a little bit of love. everything feels so much better with a bit of love. even if somebody brings you a hot chocolate and a donut when you're feeling down, its enough to keep you going. that's definetely what helped me through the roughest day so far. worst 3 days of my life: November 29 - Dec 2nd. depression, concussion, more depression.

it's when i cry myself to sleep at night i realize that all i wish we were can never happen.

It's Been A While

Well I guess it's been a while...
Things have gotten better,
Then worse again.

I'm hoping now that they get better again, but there's just a couple things that keep playing with my mind, nagging me. Life just isn't fair, and not everyone finds somebody to have a good time with in high school. Moving from a smaller city where there is only one high school, to another city, just a little bigger; is hard to do if you don't have incredible social skills.

The last little while, I've drowned myself with hockey and Taylor Swift in my own little week long pity party. It's a great feeling you should know, when you realize what you thought you were okay with; turns out to be the worst fact of your existence.

oops...

sorry for not posting for a while, ive been rather busy. i had a hockey camp at the end of august, moved at the beginning of september and have been busy with hockey and the politics of it all.

now i am even busier with the team i have to play for because of the politics, and all the drama and bullshit that comes with it.

oh well, that's life.

okay... here goes an attempt at reconnection

okay, so since everybody seems to have the wrong idea about what really went down at the movie under the stars, here it is:

so im there with my best friend from like grade 2 that moved away and all my other friends are there too, we are all on top of one of the dugouts.

so she knows a few from elementary school that i still hang around with.. in particular one guy who i kinda sorta liked. they both knew. didnt see any problem there.

so, the movie is almost done, and all of a sudden they are cuddled up under the same blanket. it *was* the 3 of us talking, but i was getting excluded from the conversation,

so of course, me being a stubborn bitch and all, i went and sat a few feet away by myself. after a few minutes i realized nobody was talking anymore and i looked over to see why it went so quiet.

my jaw almost dropped out of it's socket.

.... so i've heard different versions of this part, "they kissed and she started crying" and all that kind of stuff...

they were making out knowing full well i was 5 feet away.

so, i just got up, jumped down from the roof, and started walking home. its only 4 blocks.

about 1 block down the hill, a group of my friends that got bored with the movie were walking towards me.

they made me tell them what happened. they let me go home. they went back up.

i dont know what happened, but i heard one of my best buds slapped him (proud of you)

i was about halfway home and the traffic was starting to pile up when the "where are you" and "im so sorry" texts started to pile up.

the feeling of seeing 2 of your oldest friends that you trust doing the things you least expect and that they know would hurt you is unexplainable. its a horrible feeling. its betrayal.

think before you leap & live to love

you can stand under my umbrella

old songs have the most meaning to me. take the songs i danced to with my little brother when we were 3 and 1 years old. those are the songs with the most vivid and beautiful memories. sure, they are starting to fade, but new songs are showing me new memories as i hear more and more. some are now bittersweet, other just plain piss me off.

my days of immaturity are pretty much over, for i have had enough of it. those are the memories that piss me off. the ones where after, i think "why the hell would you do that?" or "what the hell were you thinking?" or "oh shit... that was really embarrassing."

some things i wish i had done, others i regret. we are supposed to live life without regret, but i have no idea how that is possible.

any help would be appreciated

oh, by the way, its friday the 13th, the luckiest day of the month :) i say this because my birthday falls on a 13th and i 13 is my lucky number, well one of them

-k.tree

PS sorry for not posting for a while, i havent been on the computer a whole lot

coastal smog

sorry for my absence, i was up the coast in Desolation Sound on my aunt and uncle's rather large boat and i never got on the computer until now since ive been home. since there are almost 400 wildfires burning in BC at the moment, the smoke haze has been blown into the sound. it is hard to see more than a kilometre.
the past few days have been filled with laziness, sitting on the bow or bridge of the boat, reading, eating, drinking. twice, we went "gunkholing", going out in the dingy and looking at all the other boats moored in our area. we went around the point from where we were, into Prideaux Haven yesterday afternoon where there was something like 150-200 boats, all moored, rafted and stern-tied. the rugged landscape and hidden spots of Desolation Sound appeals to many people, and they flock there for the summer vactions on their sailboats and yachts and kayaks. the past 2 days, it has rained, the only rain we have had since june! the rain has cleared the air and the haze is all but gone!

life.. again

if somebody asks me one more thing about him, imma break something! i just love how people see a boy and a girl together at the beach and just assume that they are dating or whatever. and i LOVE sooo much more just how when i like a guy, he always seems like he does like me back for once... but never does. people just dont get it. period.

lifes f*cks you over at every turn, and tries to many more times than that, so live it the best you can.

-k.tree

life..

is stupid. but, really, its not what you think! it can be dumb at times ( like people) but all in all... i think we need life. to live. ( as well as air and water.. AND CATS -c.lehtimaki)

yayy for my first blog post! :D

-k.tree

(+ c.lehtimaki, once in a while)